Hazy Shade of Winter

Seasonal Affective Disorder is the term used to refer to a mental condition in which sufferers show no signs of depression throughout most of the year, but experience signs of depression in the winter. I used to always think it was just an illusion, that the lack of warmth and color just got to some people. I still don't know if I believe that it's a true illness. Whatever it is, though, I've begun to think I may be affected by it. I've believed for a long time that I have some form of Social Phobia. Of course I'm no psychologist, but I think some of the symptoms fit me will (more so in my past than now, I seem to have grown out of it somewhat).

Anyway, enough with the medical mumbo-jumbo. The technical name for what affects my emotions is not of any great importance. For those of you who have known me for a long time (in other words, the sole known reader of this Blog), you surely know that I am oftentimes antisocial. The cause of this I know not. When I do go out, I tend to have a good time more often than not, and even if it's an uneventful night, it's usually better than sitting home doing nothing. Why then, do I so often choose to not go out?

Since starting college, this anti-social side of me had rarely rared its roiled head. That is, until about two weeks ago. Granted my social life here was never as thriving as many other college students and friends of mine, but that's due almost entirely to personal preference. Getting back to the focus of this post: The past two weeks I've barely left my room (aside from going to classes and meals), and this hasn't been due to a lack of anything to do. I did go to, and enjoy, both Friday night home Northeastern hockey games, but retired to my room for the night shortly after each of them. Tonight I plan on watching the Super Bowl with some people, but that's nearly obligatory and, besides, I enjoy a good football game as much as the next guy.

My first weekend back here was good, I went out, kept myself busy, and had a good time. Something at some time between the first week of school and last weekend pushed me in to an extremely anti-social spell. And no, it wasn't the Packers loss to the Giants.

I simply don't get it. Why the sudden cowering in the shadows? Why do I always choose to spend night after night in such a way that would make many miserable? Why do I choose this, and not mind it? That's what I'd like to know, among many other things, of course. On many levels, I think I understand myself, and my thoughts and actions. On many more levels though, I have no idea what compels me to act in certain ways. If you think you understand yourself, congratulations, but I apologize for you extremely narrow mind.

Some might say we're not supposed to understand our own emotions. I disagree. I don't believe there is anything that we're not supposed to know or understand (I'm not talking about government secrets, here). There are many things yet to be discovered by many men, but nothing is supposed to remain unknown. I strive to know and understand so many obscure things, and yet I don't understand the most obscure dynamic in my life: myself. There are many directions I feel I could go from here, but I'll leave that for another day, and end this right here.

Why do I do what I do? More often than not, the most truthful answer is that I don't know...